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by
7 October, 1999@12:00 am
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Sacramento, CA – Area resident Jimmy Martinez came to the conclusion that fucking Sean “Puffy” Combs is fucking singer / actress Jennifer Lopez. Apparently, Martinez came to this realization on Thursday afternoon, while sitting on his couch watching MTV news.

“Yo, it wasn’t instantaneous. I heard they were going out, and I was like, ‘whatever.’ Then I see them in the video and on the awards, you know, no big deal. Anyway, the other day, I was just sitting there, eating some Fritos, watching videos and shit, and then it hits me, like ‘Oh shit! Fuckin’ Puff Daddy is fuckin’ Jennifer Lopez!’ Shit ruined my whole day. I mean, of all people, you know?” said Martinez. “Like what he got that I ain’t got? He don’t deserve that ass. I mean, fuck, yo!”

Martinez even came to the conclusion that while sitting there on his couch, eating Fritos in his boxers, on that afternoon, that the two could be, and most likely were, fuckin’, at that very moment. In a related case, Joseph Malone of White Plains, NY suffered a similar stage of depression late last year when he realized that fucking Dennis Rodman was fucking Carmen Elektra.

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