30 March, 2010@1:31 pm
This morning, the man who refers to himself as “Super Producer” Solar released a new statement via his own company, Yo! Promotions, addressing the rumors swirling around Guru’s health, and taking some time to promote 7 Grand Records. As usual, the press release starts off on a positive note, suggesting that Guru is getting better, but all this talk of Guru being in a medically induced coma…. is not true!!! “Guru continues to recover! Recent MRI test results are very encouraging. All medical history will show that Guru is not and has not been placed in a medically induced coma ever!” it reads with the utmost of urgency, with exclamation points being tossed out like Frisbees.
The poorly constructed press release continues to blast everyone that has ever been associated with Guru, his family, and the evil media whom according to this statement, all together constructed an elaborate hoax because we think Solar sucks as a producer. Reaching Suge Knight levels of depravity, it also claims that “official documents” will be released, proving all of this.
“Legendary MC Guru and hit producer Solar will be releasing official documents which will confirm and verify everything that has been addressed in the official press releases regarding Guru’s health. Furthermore it will show the hoax that has been played by certain media outlets who have not provided Guru or Solar a chance to refute the lies being perpetrated against them and the immoral and dishonest behavior by some people from Guru’s past.”
Of course, the “official documents” have not been (super) produced yet. That’s not how it works. You don’t release an album, without releasing a single first. You have to drum up interest, let people know that it’s coming, create some buzz, some hype. Maybe a double-page ad in The Source Magazine that reads GURU’S HEALTH: THE OFFICIAL DOCUMENTS: COMING SOON FROM 7 GRAND RECORDS. Gotta milk this thing for all it’s worth, sun.
According to the press release, the “official documents” will dispute claims made by Guru’s “selfish”, “lying” nephew, Justin Elam, as well as “somebody from Guru’s past who misrepresented himself as [Guru's] attorney to get access to Guru which is illegal by law, as well as numerous people whom are saying they are Guru’s family who they are not”, thank you very much! This run-on sentence couldn’t possibly be referring to DJ Premier, who has more credibility in one fingernail than virtually any other producer out there – super or otherwise – with a 20 year legacy that includes Jay-Z, Nas, Christina Aguilera, The Notorious B.I.G., Snoop Dogg, Rakim, Maroon 5, Black Eyed Peas, 50 Cent, hundreds of others, could it? We’re just curious.
“It is more than obvious that certain disgruntled people from Guru’s past are trying to use this tragic situation to settle a score with Guru and myself for whatever reason which is shameful,” Solar writes to himself in his own press release. “We want to thank everyone who is showing support! Keep sending your prayers, thoughts, and wishes to Guru and his loved ones.”
You can be sure Guru is in our prayers, Solar. You however, are not. We know you feel like 2pac right now, all eyes are on you, you against the world! But truthfully, nobody could give a fuck about you, your crappy label, or the lies you’ve been caught in and the contradicting statements you’ve released over the past few weeks. You have no credibility. You fail to realize that prior to this event, nobody has ever heard of you. The difference between you and people like DJ Premier is that people LIKE DJ Premier, and they trust him. He has a much stronger track record than you do. Go ahead, produce your “official documents” and get Guru you defend you when he awakes from his not-medical-induced-coma or whatever we are calling it right now. See where that gets you. The only way you are going to get CNN to cover you again is if you are somehow involved in something shady with this situation, at which point you will then be closer compared to Dr. Conrad Murray than DJ Premier, who might we remind you again, is a better producer than you 100 times over. Fuck off. [Source: YOPR]
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