Concert goers feared for their lives this past weekend, when the Pitchfork Music Festival erupted into violent, bloody massacre involving many of the headlining acts, leaving 23 people dead.

Tensions rose during Broken Social Scene’s set, when founder Kevin Drew made indirect comments on stage about LCD Soundsystem’s James Murphey, suggesting that a band should be made up of four or more members. “We don’t call ourselves a supergroup, even though we have multiple members. There’s some so-called ‘bands’ playing on this stage that are made up of one member,” he said to the audience. “One member. Everyone knows a band should have four or more members. Pssh.”

Murphey, who was in the audience, yelled back inaudibly at Drew, who without hesitating, leaped into the crowd, hurling fists in every direction. Several audience members joined in the scuffle, leaving one shoe-gazer trampled to death. Things got even more out of control when Modest Mouse and Wolf Parade members brandished automatic weapons – including sub-machine guns – spraying bullets with reckless abandon, killing another twenty-one people.

“Hipsters,” said Raekwon, who stood on the outskirts of venue alongside Big Boi, away from the melee. “Always know how to fuck up a good time.”