Pardon DJ Pizzo’s lackluster photoshop skills. That is all.

Concert goers feared for their lives this past weekend, when the Pitchfork Music Festival erupted into violent, bloody massacre involving many of the headlining acts, leaving 23 people dead.

Tensions rose during Broken Social Scene’s set, when founder Kevin Drew made indirect comments on stage about LCD Soundsystem’s James Murphey, suggesting that a band should be made up of four or more members. “We don’t call ourselves a supergroup, even though we have multiple members. There’s some so-called ‘bands’ playing on this stage that are made up of one member,” he said to the audience. “One member. Everyone knows a band should have four or more members. Pssh.”

Murphey, who was in the audience, yelled back inaudibly at Drew, who without hesitating, leaped into the crowd, hurling fists in every direction. Several audience members joined in the scuffle, leaving one shoe-gazer trampled to death. Things got even more out of control when Modest Mouse and Wolf Parade members brandished automatic weapons – including sub-machine guns – spraying bullets with reckless abandon, killing another twenty-one people.

“Hipsters,” said Raekwon, who stood on the outskirts of venue alongside Big Boi, away from the melee. “Always know how to fuck up a good time.”

To drum up some buzz for the eventual release of Detox, Aftermath Records will soon release a new compilation called We Invented The Shelved Album. The album will include never-heard-before tracks from the vaults of Dr. Dre, including music from the Detox recording sessions. The tracklist for the album is as follows:

1. “Perfection (Intro)” – Dr. Dre
2. “It Ain’t Final ‘Til It’s Vinyl” – Joell Ortiz and Eve
3. “Get Your Shit Pushed Back” – Busta Rhymes
4. “Your Ghostwriter’s Ghostwriter’s Ghostwriter” – Dr. Dre, Kurupt, & Hittman
5. “Forget About Dre” – The Last Emperor
6. “The Eventual Next Episode” – Dr. Dre & Snoop Dogg
7. “Are You Fuckin’ Serious Man?” – King Tee
8. “Bitches Ain’t Shit (Part 2)” – Marsha Ambrosious, Truth Hurts, Brooklyn, Shaunta, Dawn Robinson, & Eve
9. “Fuck You (Dr. Dre)” – Stat Quo
10. “Not Now, I’m Playing Call of Duty” – Dr. Dre feat. Ice T
11. “Oh Hell No” – Rakim
12. “How Can I Be Down” – The Game
13. “Turn Me Up In The Beats-By-Dre Headphones” – G.A.G.E.
14. “One Day, Possibly” – Focus
15. “Patiently Waiting Part 2″ – Hands-On feat. Who’z Who
16. “Aftermath Forever” by Hittman & Bishop Lamont
17. “I Was Just Fuckin’ With Ya’ll”- Dr. Dre (Outro)

The album is currently slated for a June 15th release, to prepare for a holiday release of Detox. Dr. Dre spoke to MTV and gave the following statement.

“I feel like the only way I can release Detox is if I close the book on some of these albums that never came out. That’s what We Invented The Shelved Album is for,” said Dre. “Realistically, the only way I can see Detox being ready for release is if I get this off my chest first. Mark my words, you will see this album on store shelves the 15th of June and Detox on Christmas.”

UPDATE: We Invented The Shelved Album has been shelved indefinitely.

In an effort to increase music sales, members of the country’s largest record labels have gotten together to plan a terrorist attack on U.S. soil and follow it up with an all-star benefit track called “Save The Music And America, America” it was revealed Friday.

“With sales in the toilet, we thought to ourselves that we have to think of new, creative ways to get people to buy music again,” said Lance Whitman, chairperson of the Bureaucratic Alliance of Lawfully Litigating Songwriters, or B.A.L.L.S., for short.

“I came up with the idea of toppling the Capitol Records building during rush hour on a busy weekend,” said Whitman, “It would spill over on to the California freeway, thousands would die. Then we could make a song about it to benefit the victims and sell millions!”

Although initially many of the artists were apprehensive about the plan, it seems like more than enough are on board to record the song, and help plant the explosives.

“Oh, we’ve got a huge all-star line-up on this one. 47 different singers and rappers. So far we’ve got Pebbles, Men Without Hats, Ying Yang Twinz, DMX, Yanni…. It’s going to be huge,” said Whitman. “Oh yeah, and Justin Bieber. Gotta have The Bieber.”

“Our next move is to fake the death of Whitney Houston,” he added. “Either that or assassinate her, one-a-the-two.”

The magazine is rumored to have uncovered a recent recording from Benzino, which not only proves that he is wack, but also proves that he sucks. “This recording is substantial proof that Benzino is in fact a wack emcee, just as we speculated,” said XXL editor Elliot Wilson. “It’s time we as hip-hoppers stood up against wack shit, and I think one listen to this recording and people will definitely understand the level of wackness that is Benzino.”

XXL will play the recording at the forthcoming press conference, however will not include a copy of the recording with the issue in fear of losing readership.

“When we first got married, everything was okay, but when we’d get in fights, that’s when things got bad,” said her husband. “We get going back and forth, arguing, and then, I’d try to say something, and before I could even get a word out, here it comes… WE ARE AT WAR!, blah, blah, blah.”

“It’s especially been bad lately, with the war and all,” said her 15-year-old son Christopher. “Like even on Saturdays, I’m trying to sleep in, and she storms in my bedroom screaming ‘Wake up! WE ARE AT WAR!’, and throws my blanket and pillow on the floor.”

“I got a bad grade in my reading class,” said her six year old daughter, Shelia. “When I brought my report card to Mommy, she got mad at me and told me I needed to do better at school because we are at war. I cried.”

BOSTON, MA – Source Magazine founder David Mays and visionary Ray Benzino held a press conference on Saturday, declaring an orange level “state of emergency” on itself. According to Mays, the upcoming May issue will feature another blank cover with the words “The Source Is in a State of Emergency: Please Buy Two Copies of This Issue”.

Following the recent controversies surrounding the connections between the magazine and recently dropped Motown recording artist Ray Benzino, readership is dwindling with each issue. Given last month’s obviously biased stance against Eminem who recently had beef with Benzino, many readers are canceling subscriptions and switching to competitor XXL, with many taking the stance that XXL writes better raps in their editorials. While many advertisers are also pulling ads from the magazine, with each issue getting thinner, The Source is definitely in a state of emergency.

However, Mays announced on Saturday that The Source has several new options to increase readership. The next issue will come with a free copy of Benzino’s “Redemption” CD, and The Source also plans to give away free copies of the new issue to everyone who returns their copy of Benzino’s “Redemption” to Best Buy and Tower stores. Future plans include a free poster of David Mays holding the severed head of Bill O’Reilly, and in their October issue, to change the name of the magazine to “Ray Benzino’s The New and Untouchable Source Magazine”.

“Yeah I wasn’t feeling that “We Are Hip-Hop” shit by KRS-One. Kris was good, but the beat and the hook were bland. Nah man, not at all.” said Noah Callahan-Bever of XXL Magazine.

“For the most part, I have felt that artists like Common and The Roots have recognized the problems that hip-hop has faced in the past with tracks like ‘I Used To Love Her’ and ‘Act Too’,” said Bay Area scribe Oliver Wang, “However the newer generation I’m just not feeling. It’s all been said before, and been said better by those 10 years ago.”

“Fuck hip-hop was like the shittiest beat on the RJD2 album,” said RJD2 “Current state of these types of songs? Definitely shitty,” he added.

“Yeah I bought that new 12-inch from Morphius The Smart One because I liked his last joint where he rapped backwards and made it rhyme in a circle, but that new song “Don’t Save The Whales, Save The Boom Bap” was kinda dull,” said one fan. “Like I agreed with what he was saying, but it just wasn’t all that good of a record.”

“You know, I actually think I don’t like the new record from Coffee House Poetics because I am actually starting to like hip-hop again. Yeah, it’s bigger than ever, but the difference between commercial rap of the 90′s and commercial rap of the 00′s is that today’s stuff is actually good, polished as it may be. Just five years ago, people like Mase could get away with a record deal, now we have supreme lyricists like Nas, Eminem, and Jay-Z, ruling the charts. Is it wrong to like it because it’s popular?”, said another fan.

“We shall never forget September 11, 2001,” said Roc-A-Fella C.E.O. Damon Dash. “On this day, one year ago, Jay-Z dropped a classic album, and made us a lot of money.”

While the staff all bowed their heads and held hands together for the special bonding experience, they did not forget about the tragedy of that fateful day.

“No, we didn’t go platinum that first week, and we did mourn the loss of over 300,000 sales, bringing a total first week sale to 700,000, but we still did very well, and we must always keep this in mind,” said Dash.

Reports say that Priority Records staff also held special services today, to observe the one year anniversary of the “Training Day” soundtrack, which also came out on September 11, 2001.

“FOOLISH INFIDELS BEHOLD! You haven’t seen the last of me Rakim, as my prison of solitude in Limbo comes closer to an end. Soon I shall have my revenge on you and your blind followers!”

Rakim’s reply to Halphas’ was brief and to the point.

“When you see me come up, freeze, or you’ll be one of those seven MC’s.”

While Rakim doesn’t fear Halphas’ revenge, unfortunately Dr. Dre does.

“Halphas took a disliking to me, so the fact that Rakim is now on my label doesn’t help the situation at all,” said Dre. “He put a curse on me that keeps me from finishing projects, which explains why the albums I recorded with King Tee, Knocturnal, Hittman, Last Emperor, N.W.A., and Eve have never came out. I think the same thing is happening here with Rakim, unfortunately.”

Accelling past all other hip-hop magazines, with such original and groundbreaking content that Rap Pages is currently offering, it may seem almost impossible for them to spawn an additional five magazines, but Flynt has no fear. Included in the line-up of related Rap Pages titles, are “Rap Pages: Beaver Hunt”, “Rap Pages: Humor”, “Rap Pages: Leg World”, “Rap Pages: Erotic Stories” and “Gay Rap Pages”.

Said Flynt, “Yo, I’m just trying to keep it real, god. I am down with hip-hop, son. Word is bond.”

New York, NY – Rapper 50 Cent, who received major press and radio play from his single, “How To Rob” a humorous song about how he fantasized about robbing the industry’s top rap-stars, was stabbed 103 times last weekend, as he was leaving The Tunnel, early Sunday morning.

Apparently, the rapper was confronted by a large group of popular rap artists outside of the club, led by Ja Rule who stood in the front of the crowd. Ja Rule, who according to witnesses, opened a switchblade with the flick of the wrist, asking “Are you ready to rock, punk,” at which point the fray began.

50 Cent, who was knocked over immediately, was then charged by over 75 emcees, many whom were upset about their names being mentioned in his song “How To Rob”. Witnesses say among the angry mob of rappers / stabbers, were both LL Cool J and Canibus, who seemed to have formed an alliance.

“Well, we had to put our differences aside and come together for one common cause,” said Canibus.

“Yeah, it was cool, I like working with Canibus again,” said Cool J.

Other rappers, who were not mentioned in the song, also showed up for the stabbing.

“I mean, he didn’t really dis me in particular”, said Ghostface Killah, “But, you know, he’s tryin’ to come out by sayin’ everyone else’s names and shit, so you know, the god had to roll up on him – purple gorilla maxin’, chain with Jesus hangin’ off.”

“Yeah you know, I had to put it down for the south”, said Trick Daddy.

After being stabbed over one-hundred and three times in virtually ever part of his body, the rapper’s luck got even worse, when he was suddenly attacked by a pack of rabid dogs, who bit him repeatedly. Witnesses say, among the dogs were many a ferocious pitbull, along with one wild golden retriever.

“I don’t think it was a dog, actually. I think it was a dingo. The really crazy yellow one was a dingo,” said Fifty.

According to Ja Rule, who coordinated the event, the dogs were not a part of the plan, but actually showed up at the last minute.

As of today, 50 Cent remains in the hospital in a full body cast, with his life is on the line. Yet the ambitious rapper hopes to pull through, to finish the recording of “How To Rob Part 2″, by the weekend.

Brooklyn, NY – Rapper Special Ed announced earlier this week that he would be putting up several of his most valuable possessions up for auction on E-Bay, come early December. Accumulated throughout his career in rap music, Ed said that he felt is was time to part with many of the items that he bought early on.

“I was young, and while I had plenty of rhymes that could pay for all of this stuff, I spent money like it was nothing. Looking back, I really don’t feel that I need all twenty of these ’89 Voltzwagon Jettas, in every color,” confessed Ed. “I think I may get rid of these 74 Honda Scooters as well. Nobody in the ‘Bush really rides a scooter these days.”

Ed also is putting up several other items, including his pet frog. Unfortunately, Ed’s dog died earlier this year, but he will be putting the dog’s solid gold bone up for auction, starting at $1000, with no reserve.

“It’s what Sparky would have wanted,” said Ed in a solemn tone.

Perhaps Ed’s most valuable assets include a stretch of land in the sand of the West Indies, and also an island of his very own. Along with his assorted collection of boutiques throughout France and the USA, Ed said that he expects to get several million dollars for these properties and positive feedback.

It is still unclear if Ed will be putting up his hovercraft for auction, as he could not be reached to comment, because his waiter made potato-alligator souffle.